Grief brings profound change.
Some changes are temporary, and some changes will tattoo us.
Grief shifts our daily lives, our routines, our plans—and in doing so, it transforms us too. Change is difficult, even when it’s something we choose, like starting a new job or welcoming a child. But the changes that come with the loss of a beloved can feel overwhelming and excruciating. Some of the changes grief brings will last forever, while others are part of the early, acute moments of grief (however long that may be for you). And not all of these changes are negative.
Losing someone you love is one of the most difficult experiences anyone can face. On top of the pain of loss, you may also feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself. When we struggle to recognize who we are in the aftermath, it can be hard to find the strengths and coping skills we once relied on.
This is a feeling shared by many people in grief. When listening to stories of loss, one phrase often echoes throughout: “I will never be the same again.”
This realization can feel like a terrible shock—so much change happening all at once. Many find themselves searching, hoping, or expecting things to return to how they once were.
It’s completely natural to wish things could go back to the way they were or to hope you could be the same person you were before your loss. But part of grief is learning to live with the changes, even when it feels impossible.
With time, it may help to recognize—and eventually accept—the ways grief changes us, both in the short term and for the rest of our lives.
How Grief Changes Us In the Present:
• Changes in sleep, eating, and overall energy.
• Personality changes, such as becoming more irritable, less patient, or losing tolerance for other people’s “small” problems.
• Forgetfulness, trouble concentrating and focusing.
• Becoming more isolated, either by choice or circumstances.
• Feeling like an outcast.
• Relationships with family and friends change as they react to the “new” us.
• Feeling more anxious, afraid or fearful for the future as we wonder what’s next or where we go from here or waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So, if these changes are “for now,” when do things start to feel easier?
The answer is different for everyone. You may not return to exactly who you were before your loss, but with time, patience, and self-care, many people find that grief softens, and balance, harmony, and peace begin to bloom, and sorrow dims. One of our jobs in grief is to learn how to mesh love and loss in this next chapter of life. It’s not easy; and it’s not quick; and sometimes we are changing, and we don’t even see it because these changes seem so tiny… but grief does soften with wisdom and time.
How Grief Changes Us Forever:
• Most grievers will forever feel that a part of them is missing, that the world seems less bright. That’s because when one of your loved ones dies, you feel a part of you died as well. And every day will feel as if there is a void where their loved one is inside.
• Many grievers will carry at least some part of how their beloved passed away and the acute feelings of pain that come in the painful early minutes, days, weeks and months. Grief is trauma, and trauma lives in the body. So, we will remember it. To forget it means we are forgetting that they are unalive.
• For some, a fundamental change in how they perceive life’s fairness.
• Grief changes our personal definitions of who we are without them.
• Grief changes relationships. Some people will vanish, while others and new people will show up as grief companions.
• And grief changes us – how we now see life as so precious and understand nothing is promised, how we choose to live life and feel and experience everything.
• We will always miss them.
• We will always have ‘grief surges’ brought about by triggers.
• Grief gives us opportunities to honour them with our lives.
No one chooses someone we care about to pass away and then get catapulted into grief. And anyone who has a beloved die would give anything to have them back. But some of the lasting changes we carry can become ways to honour and remember the love we shared.
To be clear, when I say ‘positives’ I do not mean ‘silver linings.’ There are no silver linings in grief, no lesson to be learned, and they are never in a better place if we cannot hug and hold them and be in real time with them.
‘Positive’ means that we look at life with different eyes – and do things with more mindfulness
• Opportunity to feel closer to others, especially those friends or family who have provided especially good support
• New friendships that may develop because of loss – a coworker or neighbour who unexpectedly reached out, or connections made in a support group.
• No longer ‘sweating the small stuff’, having a deeper understanding of what really matters, of how precarious life is, and of how a future with anyone is not guaranteed.
• Becoming more compassionate and understanding of those around us.
• The way loss can totally break us, leaving us with no choice but to rebuild from the bottom up and “fix” some things along the way.
• Loss can reveal strengths, resilience, and independence we didn’t know we had. It may surprise you what you are capable of and what you can endure.
• Grief can expand our compassion, supportive nature, listening skills, and understanding. For better or worse, grief brings empathy that lasts.
Grief is not about a choice. It is something awful that happens to us. It demands patience, compassion, and time to help us learn how to live with our beloved through our memories. It’s complicated, chaotic, scary, and at times overwhelming and tiring. It is also forever. All we can do is our best. We will always stay lovingly connected to our beloved, keep their memory alive, and feel their spirit around us.
