Have you ever felt like you were finally moving through grief, only to be suddenly overwhelmed by a flood of intense feelings that left you sobbing uncontrollably?
This unpredictable ‘ebb and flow of emotions’ is actually expected and a common experience for grievers.
Grieving is so much more than just crying a few tears. Grief is a personal, powerful, and profound internal and emotional reaction that everyone has in response to the death of someone they loved or were very close to. This also includes pets. Grief affects our emotions, thoughts, bodies, and personal and spiritual selves.
Grief is complicated. One day, you may feel calm and OK-ish and in control of grief, and then maybe a few hours later, panic, uncertainty, or overwhelming sadness swarms you.
These emotional grief surges vary in intensity and are very common and expected in grief. Very often, they are described as a metaphor, like the ocean’s waves that ebb and flow, or like we are on a bridge, moving forward and moving backwards.
The issue for many grievers is that these ‘ebbs and flows’ can make us feel as if we are moving backwards in our grief – and that can feel scary and destabilizing.
The ‘Back-and-Forth’ of Grief Explained
The ‘Back-and-Forth’ of Grief is an expected part of grief. It comes as a result of learning how to navigate between cherished memories of the past and the unknown of the future; an emotional response to the profound shift from our old life [with our beloved] to a new reality shaped by excruciating loss.
And, as we go through this process, it’s completely normal to experience a range of grieving feelings and behaviours such as sorrow, anger, guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, uncontrollable crying, sleeping too little or sleeping too much, forgetfulness and confusion, withdrawing from friends and family and hobbies and social gatherings, changes in appetite, and feelings of irritability and forgetfulness.
This back-and-forth usually pops up unexpectedly because they are usually ‘triggered’ by sights, sounds, tastes, or smells that bring up memories of our beloved, which in turn remind us that they have passed away.
Why do we feel we are moving backwards in our grief?
Grief is painful, and it does not live in one place. It is a ‘whole person’ experience; grief can show up across our bodies, emotions, minds, relationships, and sense of meaning to life and how we see ourselves without our person. And as humans, we usually try to avoid pain or resolve it as quickly as possible.
So, in grief, when we are having an OK-ish day, we automatically see ourselves as moving out of ‘acute grief’ pain and into a softer grief. And, when we have a ‘grief surge’, and our intense feelings swarm us, like in the early weeks of our grief, we naturally feel we are moving backwards. And that feeling adds grief onto… well, our grief.
Maybe a more loving way to see the back-and-forth in grief is to understand it as our heart swinging between old life and life in loss. And this swinging is growth!
Remember your early days in grief? It was made up entirely of dark feelings. To now have a back and forth means that your grief has softened. The dark feelings are dimmer, allowing bright feelings to shine.
And the more we learn about grief and use our healthy coping tools to be in control of it, the less intense these back-and-forth swings will feel.
We will always shift between here and then, because we keep our beloved alive with our memories. It’s all we have, and we become precious about them because we can’t make more of them.
Dealing with the Back-and-Forth of Grief
Navigating the uncertainty of grief requires wisdom about grief, coping tools, patience, and self-compassion.
Reaching out to trusted friends or family who can see and accept your feelings can help you not feel alone.
Trying to create a community of people who understand grief can help you gain wisdom and make you feel less isolated.
Consider joining a community of people who may also be grieving, like a grief group/ chat room, reading books and blogs about grief in general and about your specific type of loss can all help you feel connected and less isolated.
Some people find journaling emotions helpful, or turning towards your faith, or finding ways to gain spirituality that feels comforting to who you are now in grief.
All of this is about self-care. And in grief, self-care is not selfish; it is necessary.
Most importantly, keep honouring your loved one’s memory by sharing stories and discussing their impact on your life. This keeps their spirit alive and helps you process your emotions. Remember, griefwork involves understanding and coping with grief, and caring for yourself; both are integral to healing.
