Losing a loved one isn’t just a single devastating, heartbreaking, life-changing experience. It’s a profound loss that sets off many other smaller, equally agonizing losses.
Have you ever tossed a stone into a calm lake? It’s that simple joy—walking along the grassy edge on a peaceful summer morning, feeling the warm sun and a light breeze. You pick up a rock, give it a gentle throw, and hear a satisfying ‘plunk’ as it hits the water. Watching the splash and the ripples spreading outward is such a soothing sight. And so, the gentle waves keep flowing, one after another, until they fade away—reminding us of nature’s simple, beautiful moments.
In a strange way, that familiar scene is similar to grief when someone special to you dies. The death of a loved one isn’t just one single devastating loss. In reality, it’s one significant ‘loss’ [called the primary loss] that is the direct cause of setting off a chain reaction of other subsequent and significant secondary losses. Sometimes I have heard a griever say, “I feel like I am losing everything.”
Each person in your life plays a variety of important roles and performs a variety of functions for you because you are in a relationship.
So, when that person passes away, all of their roles and functions are now ‘lost’ to you – and they become the important and painful secondary losses that you mourn and grieve.
Some Secondary losses include:
Roles: mother, father, sibling, husband, wife, partner, soulmate, child, grandchild, best friend, roommate, travel buddy, confidante, cheerleader, secret keeper, hobby buddy, travel pal, lover, bookkeeper, tech support, travel/hobby buddy, companion, friend, confident, social planner and so on.
Our identity: When our person passes on, who we were in the relationship is now lost. And so we have an identity crisis where we feel lost. These feelings show up when we ask, “Who am I if not their wife/ husband/ partner/ mother/ father/ big sister/ daughter/ son and so on.
Self-confidence: It makes sense that when someone you depend upon to do certain things for you stops doing those things, your confidence will begin to wobble. So, for example, a widower will have feelings about how to pay the taxes as that was her husband’s job, and a widow might feel awkward grocery shopping and cooking as that was a shared activity, and a daughter might struggle to find that person with the sage advice that she always went to her father for, and young children will struggle with the loss of their mother as she compares herself to her friends with mothers, and so on.
Pieces of your personality: When a person passes away, some people feel that their world dims, and so does parts of their personality. They feel this because their person elevated them and their life in so many positive ways, and so it makes sense that, with their death, you feel ‘changed’. Some changes are temporary, and some will be permanent. So, this loss may feel like you are: not as funny, not as social, not as carefree, not as optimistic, not as trusting, not as adventurous, not as free with words you use, because with death, some words are now triggering, for example, when someone jokes, “I’m so hungry I could die.”
Your faith/belief system is shaken: Death, no matter the cause, always feels random – it’s always too soon and not enough time with them. And this shakes our trust in the world, in what we used to believe was fair and just. Grievers ask, “Why did this happen? Why them? Why did God let this happen? I feel cheated. This is so unfair.”
Your outlook on life: When someone you care about passes away, you lose the current day with them and a lifetime of the future. The emptiness can leave a griever feeling uneasy, scared, or unsure about how to navigate the future without their person.
Relationships: Death and your grief will change relationships. Some people will vanish; some people will step up and be a solid source of comfort and companionship; family relationships may change based on how expectations around grieving shift; and strangers will surprise you by being there for you in various and important ways.
While secondary losses are a natural part of grief, they often go unnoticed, even by those experiencing grief. This can lead to feelings of loneliness and uncertainty, as they may feel overwhelmed by what’s called ‘grief overload,’ making the experience feel heavy, complex, and ongoing. The emotional burden of these secondary losses can add extra layers of sorrow to an already challenging journey.
Secondary losses are real, and they deserve as much recognition and care as the primary loss itself. So try to gain wisdom around them, try sharing your feelings with others who can understand [maybe joining a grief support group or online grief blog], and be patient, kind, and compassionate towards yourself as you grieve.
