My Story: Me, Dad & His Cancer

Hello, I’m Jennifer.

I have lived with lifelong layers of grief, loss, and trauma. Being born with a chronic health issue, the deaths of two incredible close friends, and the devastating loss of my beloved Dad in 2019 are part of my story. Interwoven with those huge losses has been the experience of carrying grief and trauma that was not always understood, and the daily practice of finding ways to keep moving forward.

I’d like to share with you the story about my Father, from diagnosis until his death, because that was the reason why I became a grief coach.

Dad fell as a warrior victim to his cancer at the age of 89.

For all the minutes, hours and days between his diagnosis and death, I was there for Dad – 24/7 in every way possible – from emotional support to physical caregiver to medical advocate; there was nothing I did not do or would not do because I did not want him to suffer a moment of feeling scared or alone.  

I stopped my life to care for Dad – to lavish upon him my unwavering love because he was my role model, touchstone and best friend.  He helped me to become my greatest self, and being there for him was my way of loving him with unwavering dedication, compassion, and tenderness during his scariest life moments.

I remained numb for many weeks after his funeral.  And when that fog lifted, it was replaced with the most excruciating pain called grief.  And I soon discovered that there was not going to be any quick ways to help me get over my grief.  No matter what euphemisms the well-meaning spouted at me, no matter how hard people tried to cheer me up,  no matter how hard people encouraged me to just ‘get over it’, no matter how far I recoiled from the outside world, or how skilled I became at swallowing my feelings,  the pain of the permanence of my Father’s death remained inescapable.

I eventually forced myself to understand and accept some brutal realities:  that what had happened to me in losing Dad could not ever be made right. That what had been ripped out of my life without permission could never be replaced or restored.  That all the future times of hearing his sage advice, or his recollections of his adolescent shenanigans, hearing him gush about his time spent with his grandkids, and our usual discussions on everything from current events to the moral message of Law and Order, to what truly makes THE best chocolate chip cookie had all vanished.

Grief had taken a toll on my mind, my body, my relationships – like any cult, it controlled and owned me. At times, it left me helpless and hopeless.

The thought of endless minutes and years without my father was soul-crushing.  The thought of everyone else seemingly with ease going back to their lives while I was drowning in the wreckage was overwhelming. I woke up each morning disappointed.

Survival for me seemed to have a very small circumference.  Those immediate months after the funeral were not an ordinary time, because grief most certainly was not an ordinary pain, and so ordinary rules for surviving did not apply.

I knew I desperately needed support. Who or what would teach me how to get better?  I mean, come on… honestly, a loss of this magnitude was not something I was simply going to recover from. There was now a hole in my universe that was not going to magically close back up and allow me to get back to normal.

That support came to me with an extraordinary grief psychotherapist, Dr. G. He was kind, understanding, and patient with me, and he always seemed to know just how to reach me, gently, no matter how I showed up in our sessions.  He used everyday language to explain my grief to me, and I learned about grief theories and models that helped me see that I was not, in fact, doing grief wrong as I had felt. And he supported me with practical coping tools that helped me live alongside my grief and keep close to Dad in a different, but still loving relationship.

His wisdom was my guiding light into balance. And his therapy was the reason I became a grief coach. I wanted to show up for grieving hearts in the same way Dr. G did for me.

Working as a grief coach remains a transformative experience.  I have the wonderful opportunity to offer comfort, hope and healing support to people who are grieving. And, as much as I hear clients say they take in from me …. I tell them how grateful and honoured I am that they have shared their story with me, as their courage and wisdom open me up to be more understanding, accepting, kinder, gentler and above all, more hopeful about my past, present and future.

One thing that I know for certain: each one of us, in our own way, loved these people with boundless ferocity, and that love will not dwindle; nor will our memories of the time we have spent with those people fade. They will forever remain the life force that saves us in our weakest moments, consoles us in the darkness, and is the reason we smile knowingly and warmly to ourselves.

Thank you for allowing me this time to share my story.  I know it is a lot to deal with, understand, and get a handle on.  Whenever you feel ready to talk, please know I will be here, ready to be your companion in grief.