Through my own loss around my beloved Father, and through years of working with grieving clients, I know that death is an inescapable part of life; grief is always a part of death, and that grief is a profound, unique and personal whole person experience; affecting our feelings, body, behaviours [these are connected to our thinking], and relationships.
Our grief is shaped by many factors, including who died – mother, father, sibling, child, and so on, how they passed, our age, sexual orientation, how we emote, our beliefs around grieving and mourning, and maybe even religion.
This is often where confusion begins.
Many grievers expect grief to be about feeling. Sadness. Longing. Tears. And when grief also shows up in our body, in our thinking – brain fog, and in our belief systems and in relationships, or in how they see the world, we can get overwhelmed and feel as if we are doing grief wrong.
Grief does not live in one place. It is a ‘whole person’ experience; grief can show up across our bodies, emotions, minds, relationships, and sense of meaning to life and how we see ourselves without our person.
Gaining some wisdom about how grief affects you can really help you understand what you’re going through and lighten the load of self-judgment during such a tough time.
One of the first powerful facts I learned about grief was that when we connect deeply with others we care about [my Father was my touchstone], it makes sense that when they pass away, we will grieve with our whole selves: Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, and Spiritually/Socially.
The Physical Impact of Grief on the Body
Grief is a type of trauma, and that is why it lives in the body.
It’s common for people to notice unexpected physical sensations and wonder if these grief symptoms are normal. You might feel tension in your shoulders or jaw, a heavy chest, or fatigue that doesn’t seem to go away even after resting. You could experience changes in your sleep, appetite, or energy levels, along with headaches, restlessness, or a general feeling of being unwell or out of sorts. Remember, you’re not alone, and these sensations are a normal part of the healing process.
When a significant person to us passes away, the body often goes into a heightened alert state—fight or flight. This can create the sensation that something is ‘wrong’ and needs ‘fixing’. But grief is not something that can be ‘fixed’ because it is complex.
Here is a list of just some of the ways grief feels in the body:
- Pain
- Fatigue, Exhaustion, Low Energy
- Sleep issues: inability to sleep through the night, not getting into REM, waking up throughout the night, napping, sleeping too long
- Appetite issues: eating too much/ too little, weight loss/ gain
- Shortness of breath
- Tight or heavy feeling in the chest
- Feeling of tightness in the throat
- Hollow feeling in the stomach
- Stomach pain and upset
- Heartache, broken heart syndrome
- Dry mouth
- Tension
- Restlessness, irritability
- Increased sensitivity to stimuli
Grief Affects Our Feelings
Grief at its core is about emotions – the heart is struggling to make sense of the permanence of loss. And, as we all can agree, emotions are rarely simple.
Many people understand grief to be mostly about sadness and tears. But that is just not the case. Humans are capable of 32,000 feelings that cover the gamut from happy to distraught. Grief has all of those feelings – they show up at different times, in various intensities, and sometimes opposite feelings can happen simultaneously [this is called ‘duality,’ and it can feel like being happy and sad at once].
One moment you may feel calm and in control of grief, and the next, overwhelmed. This does not mean your grief isn’t changing, or that maybe you are backsliding. It is just how grief acts – it comes and goes [some say like waves ebbing and flowing] with different intensities – yes, grief feels unpredictable. Also, ‘yes’, every feeling in grief is expected and ‘usual’.
Here is a list of some of the ways grief affects our feelings:
• Shock, numbness, fog
• Emptiness
• Sadness, Sorrow
• Anxiety, PTSD
• Loneliness, longing, yearning
• Anger
• Guilt, shame, regret
• Resentment
• Could have, would have, should have
• Fear, anxiety, insecurity
• Hopelessness
• Helplessness
• Grief Depression
• Feelings of betrayal, disloyalty
• “Emotional roller coaster”
• Relief
Grief Affects Cognition [our thinking]
Grief also impacts your thinking, which is often linked to your behaviours. This is what people refer to as ‘brain fog.’ You might notice forgetfulness, trouble concentrating, or a feeling that your thoughts are scattered. Activities like reading, making decisions, or following conversations can demand more effort than they used to. Some individuals describe feeling mentally slower, easily overwhelmed, or more irritable.
At the same time, the mind may loop through memories, regrets, or unanswered questions – the ‘coulda, shoulda and woulda loop’ . These cognitive grief symptoms are signs that the mind is trying to make sense of the enormity of loss. How to move from the safety you felt in the years of the relationship, to the enormity of a future without them.
Here is a list of some of the ways our thinking is affected by grief:
- Disbelief
- Confusion: ‘Grief Brain’
- Disorientation
- Absentmindedness
- Forgetfulness
- Poor Concentration, Short-temperedness
- Distraction
- Difficulty focusing
- Low Motivation, Loss of interest in hobbies and socializing
- Expecting to see the deceased
- Expecting the deceased to call
- Preoccupation with the deceased
- Need to tell and retell the story of their passing
- Denial
- Worrying about accidents to others you care about
Social and Spiritual Ways Grief Affects Us
Relationships are often impacted by grief, and this can be one of the most painful aspects of the grief impact. Some people vanish, while others become companions in your grief.
It is also to struggle with who you are [your identity] without your person, and what life means if they are not here with you. Many grievers also waver in their religion and spirituality.
Here is a list of some of the ways grief affects us socially and spiritually:
- Relationship changes
- Withdrawing from social activities
- Diminished desire for conversation
- Loss of identity: “Who am I without them?”
- Hiding your grief to “take care of others.”
- Lose friends, make new friends
- Redefining oneself
- Questions about God:
- Why would God allow this?
- Questions about the deceased: “Where are they now?”, “Are they okay?” “Can they see me?” , “Will I see them again?” “What will happen when I die?”
- Sensing the deceased’s presence • Hearing, smelling, or seeing the deceased
Grief is complex, and how we deal with it should be full of compassion and patience. It’s always good to listen to what your body is telling you and to take care of yourself in as many ways as you can. Self-care is not selfish in grief; it is necessary. And if you ever feel overwhelmed, reach out to a mental health professional, like a grief counsellor. They can help you understand your grief and share healthy coping strategies that can soften it.
